To have control
3011. April 2013 by Swiss
I am pretty sure that tons of people out there are control freaks. If it is an ED, where we control calories, food, our body and exercise, or if it is money, cleaning or being a control freak at work – most of us use control to feel ‘safe’. Some plan their whole months in advance with appointments, meals, workouts, events, cleaning days etc. Some plan their finances to the cent.
I am one of them. I admit, I am a control freak. Not over money, no. My account is most of the time out of control and as long as there is some money to buy food, I don’t stress over it. It is like this and it always has been, heck, it was WORSE. Today, I think I handle my finances pretty well, even though Sandro gets panic attacks when he realizes how I spend my money. But as long as I am only responsible for myself and don’t have a family to take care of, I feel absolutely fine with it. I don’t feel that I have to explain how I spend my money, after all I work for it.
It’s different when it comes to my body and my issues around it. I still plan my meals, especially because I have to prep them beforehand and take them to work. But also because it makes me feel ‘safe’, that I eat right throughout the day. I also plan my workouts to be sure I get them in. Fortunately I started to losen up on weekends, and just go with the flow when it comes to meals and exercise. I still eat clean and workout, but I give myself a lot more flexibility.
I remember back in 2006 when I moved in with my today’s ex-boyfriend. I was binge-and starve-free for six years by then. SIX YEARS. I did not think of my ED anymore, I thought I was healed and I did not consider myself sick at ALL. On the moving day I relapsed. And then I had a 3 month relapse. I binged daily, sometimes purged, worked out like crazy and binged again. I gained 7 kilos in 3 months. It was one of the most terrible times in my life. Everything was out of control. I did not feel myself AT ALL, the ED had taken over the control, I felt pilot-controlled big time. I was scared to death, that I am a slave of my thoughts and that I would turn into a whale and never be normal again. The loss of the control over my life was so scary.
Another thing that I am scared of, is my own family. I get asked a lot, when I will get married and when I will have children. It seems that people are very interested in other’s life planning. I don’t have a plan when it comes to this. Yes, I know, I turn 35 and I don’t have too many years to wait if I ever want to become a mother. So, I tell you now open and honest what my thoughts are about this subject. I will be judged for sure, but I am fine with that. It is my responsibility to put this post out there and I am happy to receive criticism.
It’s not, that I don’t want children. But it’s also not, that I think to have children is the only thing I am striving for in my life and if I can not have them, my life will be uselsess. Fact is, for a long time I was single and there was no potential father around 🙂 Secondly, I must say, that I absolutely ENJOY my life just as it is. I am independent, I live in 2 different cities, I can travel when and wherever I want to, I can stay out as long as I want to etc. I have so many friends who have children now and it is a difference. Third, I am scared. I am scared that my life gets out of control. Here we have it. CONTROL. So many things will maybe get noncontrollable. First, my body. It will change. How will it change? I don’t know. How will I look after the pregnancy? I don’t know. Will I ever be able to do something for myself, for my body? No idea. My life will change. What will my child be like? Will he/she be healthy? Will I have trouble raising him/her? Will I, ME be a good mother? How do you know how this all works? Will I be judged by my friends/other mothers? Will Sandro and me be able to spend time together, will we manage a family? Will I and my body at all be able to HAVE kids?? These are my fears and I just wrote them all down in all honesty, if you understand them or not. You might think:’ who cares about a slim figure when you can have a baby?’ SO true. But I was suffering a bad body image for 19 years now. It doesn’t go away just like that, not even by the beautiful thought of having a baby.
This is the strongest point in the whole thing. THINGS COULD GET OUT OF CONTROL. Someone could MESS MY LIFE UP. A little someone will be here and I will have the responsibility.
Yes, I know that all sounds very negative and seems like I just don’t want a family. Which is not true. I love children and I absolutely would love to have my own one day. I know I need to take a different approach to things once it gets concrete, but it will still be a challenge for me. Which is good. Besides that, I know from everyone who has children, how MUCH these little beings give you. How many happy moments happen and how many important, funny, sad, challenging and happy experiences you can make together as a family. I know it from my own family, I always loved the ‘groove’ and the atmosphere when the four of us were all together.
Time and Nature will decide. I don’t know if it ever will happen that I have my own family, but if so, I will let you know 🙂
Do you have children, and if yes, did you have fears before?
Do you like to have control over certain things?
Xxx
Lucie
Wandering and Wondering. 
Darling, never worry about what others may say or even be thinking. They are not you, they don’t live your life, and until they do, they will never have a say. Continue doing what feels best for you. If the time comes when a family happens.. incredible (and I better be invited to the wedding/baby shower), but if that time doesn’t come for a while or even ever, you are still you, you are still incredible <3. Follow your heart, and let God lead the way.
Thank you so much Hunn for this so kind and sweet comment, it means so much!!! I know that things will happen just the way they have to and I will follow – so far I consider myself as lucky, especially with friends like you! Thank you!
Oh, Lucie, this post resonates deeply with me. ❤ I want to give you a hug! Your honesty is so refreshing and relatable, especially since I think we all–to some degree–try to control our futures. We may express that control it in different ways, but it's all out of fear of the unknown. I've struggled with many of the same thoughts, and continuously question my future, wondering when (or if) the right man will come along, and when (or if) I'll have children. However, I've found a lot of peace in my faith–in knowing that God has a plan for each of us that is perfect. We may not understand it right now, but our lives are crafted a particular way for a reason! As long as we follow our hearts, we'll end up in the right place. You're amazing, girl! Keep being YOU and doing what feels natural and right. ❤ Love you to pieces! ❤ xoxoxo
Hey girl….thank you SO much for these words!! I am glad you can relate and I know sometimes it’s scary not to know what will happen. But there’s no way to struggle over it since we will never know before it happens. I know you will follow an amazing way and will do great! You won so much faith in yourself. Love you girl!!
Yes I like control – I freely admit I’m a bit of a control freak. I like things organised! I’m so glad you posted this – and please don’t worry about being judged, no one has the right to judge you. Life is for living and you must do what is right for YOU, not what is expected by society! I strongly believe in faith, if it is meant to happen then it will – and if it does, I’m sure you would make a fantastic mother. x
Thank you soooo much!! I love your honesty and I can so relate, I am obsessed by having things organized. And also me, I believe in faith. Everything happens for a reason and it will be ok the way it goes.
What a beautiful honest post! I love how much you are opening up on your blog. I’m a big control freak myself and learning to loosen the reins a bit on my need for control has been huge for me! Recognizing your fears is huge too! Once you accept them you will be able to move on from them!
Totally agree Danielle. And I am so happy for you that you were able to loosen up, I know it’s hard!
I love your honesty, hun… so much. I can relate to these feelings a lot. I used to be absolutely sure that I wanted a family, and I was with a guy who I was ready to do that with – and then everything changed. All of my careful plans for the future fell apart, and it was that loss of control that spurred my eating disorder, and even though now I’m doing a lot better with letting go of the control on the food front, I still haven’t been able to mend myself when it comes to the relationship front. I’ve yet to meet a guy that I really connect with, and sometimes I start to worry that it’ll never happen. But my faith in God has helped me a lot, and I’ve learned to go with the flow and let things happen. Whatever happens, we’ll make the best of it, right? 🙂
I read your story and I know what you’re talking about and I can only imagine how it must be to lose all the dreams and plans you’ve made. I am so happy for you that you are so flexible and relaxed when it comes to food. The relationship thing will turn out just right for you, I know that 🙂 And believe me, you have tons of time, look at me! And YES – whatever happens we’ll make the best out of it!!
Once again, I can really relate! I’ve been with my boyfriend for 12 years and I’m 32, plus I’m an only child (+grandchild for one of my grannies) and my Dad died long ago, so it’s kind of up to me to make sure there’s kiddies around…I know my Mum would love it and although she doesn’t do it on purpose, she kind of stresses me out, but I have the same fears than you and also think/hope I’ll still be happy in my life without kids. But what if I regret not having any when I’m like 45? I don’t know, life’s complicated…and I try not to judge people that judge me, but I sometimes have to work on it not to be hurt. And everything happens (or not) for a reason!
I totally know what you are talking about. My Dad died long ago too, and a little new life would be appreciated from all sides. I do have a brother though. I had the exact same thought that I might regret it when I am too old. I am pretty sure I will go for it, but yes, the fears stay. I believe in faith and I know we will make the best out of it!!
Oh I love this post- I turn 30 in a couple months, and I have a lot of the same fears, concerns, habits, etc. Over the course of my 20s I learned that no matter what you do, some people will judge while others will be supportive. As long as you’re doing what feels right to you, and you feel good about your decisions, everything will work out. Sometimes forfeiting a little control can actually make things fall into place more smoothly. You just gotta have faith:)
This is absolutely true, Charlotte, there are always people who judge. I got a LOT better in not letting that bothering me and just do what is right for ME.
‘Sometimes forfeiting a little control can actually make things fall into place more smoothly. ‘ LOVE THAT!!
It really is all about “control”. The moments in my life that have been the toughest are when I’ve internalized things & focussed on the control I can have over food & exercise, it’s like “I will win this battle even if I can’t control other things”. I think being aware of it is always good & getting your feelings out can help immensely, whether on paper or verbally. I too am scared to death to have kids, not sure I ever want to do it, I understand.
Oh yes, ‘WIN THE BATTLE’ – I feel you. Isn’t it paradox, that we have the possibility to live a wonderful relaxed life and then turn it into a battle? I am so glad you got aware too!! And I am glad you can relate on the kids-issue, sometimes I feel so alone with it since everyone seems to have kids!
Ugh, i can only imagine how frustrating it is to deal with those questions! Fortunately, at 23, I haven’t had too many “are you ready to have kids yet” questions yet :-p
But you need to do what’s right for you! Having a child is a massive decision, so it’s something you need to be ready for. And if you’re not ready now, that’s absolutely fine!
i’m absolutely a control freak. I’ve let it go on the food and (for the most part) fitness front, but even in my day-to-day planning I like knowing what to expect and what’s going to happen. I’m working on loosening the reigns a little bit though.
Awe yes, you’re still so young 🙂 but you’re right, it IS a massive decision and it will last for life.
I am so happy for you that you could losen up on the control over food and exercise. I think we all need a little control somewhere, life can be so inpredictable, so it’s nice to have something to hold on to.
This is such a beautiful and honest post Lucie! I can relate on some points even if i’m younger than you: first of all, i like to have everything under control! And then, I might ne the only one of my friends who’s single. I’ve had one “serious” relationship before and I might say i don’t really feel ready right now to “try” again 😉 the weird thing is that A LOT of people around me (friends of friends) are getting ENGAGED or MARRIED, i even know some of them that had a baby. Nothing weird here, except the fact that I’m 19, and they’re the same age than me. And of course no one is forcing me to get married or so, but all of my friends, and Everybody i know (except my mum who likes me single so I can study more ;)) always ask me why I’m not in a relationship, and they just can’t understand i don’t want a boyfriend right now, because at our age we’re “supposed to be in relationships” so i can totally relate on that “social pressure”. The thing is that, just like you, i like to control things, and i like to ne independent. You shouldn’t carte about what other people say, you’re live the life you want, and if you don’t feel like having children right now this is YOUR choice, not theirs! It is useless to do something because other people do it or because the society “wants” us to do it! Don’t forget you’re an amazing and strong woman, and after all you’re been through the most important thing is to take care of YOU and not of anyone else! Love you!
oho i didn’t notice my comment was so long, sorry 😉
NEVER apologize for a long comment, I looove it!! I’ll reply tomorrow when I am on my computer!!
Dear Nadja, thank you SO much for your honesty. I totally feel you. I’ve been there too, when I was your age – I even was single with the age of 30 now imagine how people wanted me to squeeze into a relationship. You are SO young, take ALL the time you need!! As you said, we’re not supposed to follow anyones expectations than ours. If you feel it’s too early for a relationship and you love your life as it is – then go for it, it’s all yours!! Always here for you and thank you for all your support!!!
Great post Lucie 🙂 Control is hard to let go of especially when you are afraid of changes that may happen onces that control has sailed away. I used to be a HUGE control freak, had my life planned out by time slots it was INSANE and if some accident happened and got in the way I would binge so I had control over something! My life has been much easier to accept since I have learned affirmations and deep breathing and taught myself that life is much more fun if yo let go a bit. Meal planning is important of course but if I get invited out to eat, I go for it and pick something healthy to enjoy and even have some drinks! It can be hard sometimes but life has been much easier for me since I let go. Life will take you and lead you to what you need when you need it or when its supposed to happen! You will make a beautifully fantastic mother one day and the time will come when you and your life is ready for it! Sending you LOVE! Love + Shine Court
LOVE that comment Courtney, thank you!! I absolutely know what you’re talking about – I also used to plan everything to the T and in the end binged, because everything was so unrelaxed. It is hard to losen up, but as you say, life is so much more fun and easier once I learned to let go a bit!
Don’t worry, it will pass!! I also struggled a LOT with control before… over exercise, my ED, food…
I still use a calender to mark my appointments (but it’s because I usually forget =P It’s my way of making sure I’ll go there or that I won’t mark anything on busy days ;)) but besides that its all over =)
I understand what I need to do when I want to lose weight, and when I can relax a bit 😉 Exercise I do it because I love it, because I love how it makes me feel! I’m going harder now because I want to see definition on my legs and abs 😉 When I can’t do it – fine, tomorrow is a new day. I’m in this for life, after all 😉
And about raising a family, well… I want kids before I’m 30… ideally, in 2 or 3 years =P I want to be able to run with them, play a lot and enjoy life with them! I can get my figure back – I’m used to quick workouts, through the day, and intend to keep working out during my pregnancy when it happens =) And nowadays, it can be a struggle, but you can travel with them! And when we want to be alone with our bf/hubby – we MAKE the time! 😉 There are always friends who won’t mind taking care of kids (I know I don’t mind :)) and parents usually end up giving a hand (I’ll be living in Switzerland soon, but my mom and dad have told me already – we want our grandchild to spend vacation with us here!!! =P) Sure, in the beggining might be hard, the baby needs the mom more than ever, but it’s doable! And I’m sure it’s worth it 😉
I usually just go with the flow now. I do what makes me happy at the moment, I stopped caring what others think of MY life. Everything happens for a reason, and it’s always the right time for it – wether it’s good or bad 😉
xoxo – “Everything’s going to be alright”
Thank you so much Ana – your positivity made my day!! I also have moments when I am sure that everythign will turn out well and that I can MAKE time for everything I want to. So I guess I will go for it 🙂
I am so happy you are so relaxed about everything, amazing!!
Seriously honey?! This is BEAUTIFUL!! I was trying to catch up last night (err, this morning) before I went to bed, but I got tired…I’m SO glad I saved this one for when I was fully rested! I have to say that I am completely and 100% with you on all of your fears…fear of how my body will change, fear of how I will FEEL about my body changing, fear of doing things right/wrong, fear of messing the poor little one up in the end, fear of the loss of my independence, and finally yes, the fear of finding out if I can even HAVE children to begin with! I know pregnancy is a beautiful and miraculous thing and no one can explain the strong feelings that are formed between a mother and her child…to think of loving someone so much…so much more than any one else in the entire world…that’s kind of scary. What if something happens later in life and they don’t love you back? Ever since my divorce, I’ve struggled with giving up my whole heart in fear that it will be broken again. I think something like that would absolutely kill me.
I love the raw emotion in this post. I love you honesty. I love the fact that you said that you welcome criticism. These are hard thoughts to open up about and I just want you to know that I admire your courage to “bear it all”. I love you Lucie…so SO much!
Oh girl…..now…I have no words. This comment is SO beautiful and I am SO glad you wrote this all down!! I think it is such a HUGE challenge to take a decision like this and as you say – you ‘stick’ with it for your whole life and you never know what is going to happen. I can totally understand that you are scared to give your heart to someone after this experience – falling in love is wonderful, but it’s a risk at the same time, since you always enter the possibility to get hurt.
I know that both of us will be strong and courageous enough to make the decision which is right for us!
[…] To have control […]
[…] To have control – thoughts on fears regarding food/workouts but more specifically about having a future family or not and what others think about that […]