11. April 2013 by Swiss
I am pretty sure that tons of people out there are control freaks. If it is an ED, where we control calories, food, our body and exercise, or if it is money, cleaning or being a control freak at work – most of us use control to feel ‘safe’. Some plan their whole months in advance with appointments, meals, workouts, events, cleaning days etc. Some plan their finances to the cent.
I am one of them. I admit, I am a control freak. Not over money, no. My account is most of the time out of control and as long as there is some money to buy food, I don’t stress over it. It is like this and it always has been, heck, it was WORSE. Today, I think I handle my finances pretty well, even though Sandro gets panic attacks when he realizes how I spend my money. But as long as I am only responsible for myself and don’t have a family to take care of, I feel absolutely fine with it. I don’t feel that I have to explain how I spend my money, after all I work for it.
It’s different when it comes to my body and my issues around it. I still plan my meals, especially because I have to prep them beforehand and take them to work. But also because it makes me feel ‘safe’, that I eat right throughout the day. I also plan my workouts to be sure I get them in. Fortunately I started to losen up on weekends, and just go with the flow when it comes to meals and exercise. I still eat clean and workout, but I give myself a lot more flexibility.
I remember back in 2006 when I moved in with my today’s ex-boyfriend. I was binge-and starve-free for six years by then. SIX YEARS. I did not think of my ED anymore, I thought I was healed and I did not consider myself sick at ALL. On the moving day I relapsed. And then I had a 3 month relapse. I binged daily, sometimes purged, worked out like crazy and binged again. I gained 7 kilos in 3 months. It was one of the most terrible times in my life. Everything was out of control. I did not feel myself AT ALL, the ED had taken over the control, I felt pilot-controlled big time. I was scared to death, that I am a slave of my thoughts and that I would turn into a whale and never be normal again. The loss of the control over my life was so scary.
Another thing that I am scared of, is my own family. I get asked a lot, when I will get married and when I will have children. It seems that people are very interested in other’s life planning. I don’t have a plan when it comes to this. Yes, I know, I turn 35 and I don’t have too many years to wait if I ever want to become a mother. So, I tell you now open and honest what my thoughts are about this subject. I will be judged for sure, but I am fine with that. It is my responsibility to put this post out there and I am happy to receive criticism.
It’s not, that I don’t want children. But it’s also not, that I think to have children is the only thing I am striving for in my life and if I can not have them, my life will be uselsess. Fact is, for a long time I was single and there was no potential father around 🙂 Secondly, I must say, that I absolutely ENJOY my life just as it is. I am independent, I live in 2 different cities, I can travel when and wherever I want to, I can stay out as long as I want to etc. I have so many friends who have children now and it is a difference. Third, I am scared. I am scared that my life gets out of control. Here we have it. CONTROL. So many things will maybe get noncontrollable. First, my body. It will change. How will it change? I don’t know. How will I look after the pregnancy? I don’t know. Will I ever be able to do something for myself, for my body? No idea. My life will change. What will my child be like? Will he/she be healthy? Will I have trouble raising him/her? Will I, ME be a good mother? How do you know how this all works? Will I be judged by my friends/other mothers? Will Sandro and me be able to spend time together, will we manage a family? Will I and my body at all be able to HAVE kids?? These are my fears and I just wrote them all down in all honesty, if you understand them or not. You might think:’ who cares about a slim figure when you can have a baby?’ SO true. But I was suffering a bad body image for 19 years now. It doesn’t go away just like that, not even by the beautiful thought of having a baby.
This is the strongest point in the whole thing. THINGS COULD GET OUT OF CONTROL. Someone could MESS MY LIFE UP. A little someone will be here and I will have the responsibility.
Yes, I know that all sounds very negative and seems like I just don’t want a family. Which is not true. I love children and I absolutely would love to have my own one day. I know I need to take a different approach to things once it gets concrete, but it will still be a challenge for me. Which is good. Besides that, I know from everyone who has children, how MUCH these little beings give you. How many happy moments happen and how many important, funny, sad, challenging and happy experiences you can make together as a family. I know it from my own family, I always loved the ‘groove’ and the atmosphere when the four of us were all together.
Time and Nature will decide. I don’t know if it ever will happen that I have my own family, but if so, I will let you know 🙂
Do you have children, and if yes, did you have fears before?
Do you like to have control over certain things?