3. July 2017 by Swiss
Talking to people is my way of receiving inspiration to write. As such, thank you to everyone who enriches me with their perspectives, opinions, statements and questions.
Based on this much creative intro, I relate to a statement of one of my training buddies at a recent event when he said:’ You`re kind of difficult, Lucie.’ – He referred to my elusive way of being selective with whom I talk, train and spend time with. I replied:’I’m not being difficult, I`m consequent and clear and therefore free and happy.’ – We discussed this topic for a little while and in the end, he came up with:’ I wish I had this strength and boldness to just do what I please and talk to whom I want. It seems real, without any of the fake small talk shit. I spend quite some time with people and activities I don’t enjoy.’ I nodded.
It took me a while to find my way of doing things the way I want and what I want without doubting myself all night long and thinking about what others think of me. I was a people pleaser. All I wanted was to be liked by everyone and being skinnier than everyone. It defined me. I was less important than the thoughts and judgements of others. Perfection in every area of life was goal number one and I chased it with determination. The results were feelings of oppression, misery and frustration.
I am not bashing or mobbing people and I judge as little as possible. Far from it. Yet we can’t deny that we aren’t on the same wavelength with all the people around us. Respecting our fellow human beings isn’t equivalent to being friends with everyone. I may respect people around me, yet I don’t need to be interested in what they do nor talking to or spending time with them. I’d rather feel that someone avoids my contact instead of keeping up a fake small talk with me which – let’s face it – is utterly exhausting for all parties.
A couple of years ago, I found myself tidying up my closet once a month because I felt this is how it ‘should be’ and in case my Mom came for a visit, she’d suffer a heart attack when she encountered that chaos behind the closed cupboard doors. Deep inside though, I have never had the urge to have a closet that is neat and in order, I honestly never gave a shit as long as I found my outfit of desire. So, one day, I stopped. I stopped caring what Mom thinks, I stopped caring if my shirts fly around all over the place, because this is how I wanted it and I made the decision to live in freedom even if there’s chaos in my closet.
I started doing the same thing step by step with all areas in my life. I found myself getting more confident in taking decisions which weren’t approved by my friends and I found myself feeling comfortable in arguments or in making selfish decisions. Selfishness may be a virtue, as long as I don’t hurt anyone. Hurting someone is the limit, the no go – I never in my life intend to do so. But clearly – if you don’t function on a happy basis, how do you want to make others happy, how do you want to be a role model for the younger generation and how on earth do you want to live until you are old and grey if you can’t get up in the morning with the doubtlessness that you are creating a life that is unique and for you.
Being a people pleaser has got something to do with how much power we give to others in order to judge over us. It has to do with how much less power remains with ourselves and that in the end creates an unhealthy imbalance. For power is never simply a possession but an exercise; power is about how we understand ourselves. Some – or let’s say a lot – of this is subconscious.
We may have duties which need to be done, we all go through dark times – life isn’t just rainbows and unicorns with glitter farts, thank god it’s not. But we always have a choice. We can choose what we do, with whom we do that and – last but not least – how we do it. We can influence a lot, but we can’t influence everything but what we can’t change, we can take with an attitude and that is our choice too.
Today, I have doubts. Today, I have uncertainties. Today, I feel frustrated at times. Yet, 90% of the time, I do what I love and I`m happy – I surround myself with the friends I love and who enrich my life with who they are. I give, because giving makes me happy. I work hard, because that is how I want to work. I take life lightly, because I want to feel light. I give 100% commitment with everything I do, because this is how I do things – full-ass or not at all. I enjoy, savor and cherish every moment, if it is a sad one, angry one, happy one, funny one, awkward, drunk, difficult or crazy one. It’s life and I want to love it.
I define me. I don’t give this option to others.
Text&Pictures by Lucie Pfaendler